Sunday, August 12, 2007

As my pain and suffering decreases, I'm finding that my tolerance for it lessens accordingly. Thus, I don't feel like I'm getting any better. I have three theories for why this may be.

First, I've been using up my reserves surviving this far. So, the longer this drags on, the less energy I have to manage dealing with it.

Second, as I regain strength and mobility, I'm becoming less dependent on the people around me to survive. Therefore, I feel less of an automatic need to be pleasant, cheerful, and easy to care for in order to keep my helpers happy, aiding in my survival.

Third, as I get more energy, I have more energy with which to be unhappy with my situation. Not enough energy to do anything -- just enough to be dissatisfied.

Despite the seeming conflict between theories one and three, I think there's some truth in all of these. Basically, the last few weeks have felt like drowning -- I kick and swim with all my might toward the surface, and I know, intellectually, that I'm getting closer. But, no matter how much closer I get to the surface, as long as I haven't achieved it, I am still drowning.

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